The best comedians are the ones who pick up on something everybody thinks, but nobody talks about. But one of the funniest things in reality is when somebody finds something embarrassing that they think everybody experiences, and tries be funny with it – and in reality, it’s just them admitting to having a really sore, wind-swept and bruised vagina when they ride a bike.
Anyway, thanks to Ed the web editor, I’ve just read what hands-down wins the award for the most unintentionally funny article of the year.
the labia will definitely be mashed into cheap, hard plastic
The bit that made us do the biggest double-take (and believe me, this was a stream of double-takes) was the assertion that saddles with holes in them are “essentially wind-tunnels, shooting cold gusts in the direction of your vagina constantly throughout the ride”. Well just to clear this up, I’ve ridden holey saddles before, and I’ve never come away with a chilly cock. Windflow on the bellend just isn’t an issue unless you’re doing something seriously wrong (and we’re not sure we want to see if she is).
Having to ascertain the truth of this in the office was a serious minefield. Phrases like “lips flapping in the wind” bounced around. Please, ladies, reassure us that the breeze going up your “hoo haa” isn’t an issue.
The ‘SLR Lady Flow Saddle’ sounds like a cyclist’s mooncup
I also love the caption at the start, “Seriously, dudes. Listen and learn”, and sign-off “Hi-five, ladies!” I don’t see why the hell she’s addressing this to the “dudes”. Let’s be honest, it’s not our problem. It might be the saddle designers, but no girls I’ve talked to have ever complained about it. Think it’s just her…
To test this, I sent it to my girlfriend as she was about to head out the door with a bike. She didn’t empathise, I just got a text saying “It’s making me feel sick, I’m not reading any more”.
Ms McCracken, men sit on saddles too, and we’ve got extra problems in that area, I’ve just never thought to write about it. Here’s what you do. You buy some undershorts. Then, if you’re keen, buy chamois cream as well (Ed loves this stuff, he just told me he sometimes puts it on late at night just for a bit of fun).
All these factors contribute to numbness, skin infections, swelling, general pain and even bruising on and around a woman’s hoo haa.
In fact, I think men have got it worse. Proof? Here’s Gee Atherton smashing his balls into his saddle in a crash so hard he has to check they’re still there.
P.S. And if your “hoo ha” is troubled by “numbness, skin infections, swelling, general pain, and even bruising”, go to a sexual health clinic and have some tests done. It’s probably not your saddle.