World Exclusive!!! STD Suspension

We’ve seen what we thought were some fairly major steps forward in mountain bike technology over the past few years, but this new STD Suspension system makes everything else that has come before it seem positively prehistoric.

Incredibly this system is the brain child of just one man, Ivor Hugh Jardon. He has doctorates in both engineering and marketing from Cambridge university and has worked for several years in the aerospace industry. As we all know, there’s nothing better than aerospace stuff.

But what is STD Suspension? Well to be honest it’s not really fair to call it just a suspension system (Ivor named it that purely because he didn’t want to come across as too big headed and he knows that riders are familiar with the term suspension) as it has been designed with a holistic approach and encompasses the entire bike. Even the pedals are wirelessly controlled by the system to keep them perfectly flat whilst pulling rad no-footed tricks.

The name ‘STD’ though comes from the three primary settings which are selected via the neat control box which attaches to any top tube. This can be seen in the photo below…

The three settings allow you to instantly select in three custom modes: Style, Trail, and Descend. The Style mode is perhaps the most revolutionary as it instantly transforms you into one of the most stylish riders in the world, and as with all the settings this can be fine tuned to your particular tastes (more about that later). You’ll notice that there are two lights next to this button and they are to make sure you keep within the limits of what’s physically possible. You see as incredible as this system is it can’t change the laws of nature completely. If you’re pushing those laws too far the red light will show, but keep it the right side of the limit and the green one will light up. Average riders shouldn’t engage the red too often, but highly skilled riders with the system running at full bore might have to keep an eye on things.

The Trail and Descend modes may sound like the kinds of things we have already seen, but with this system they actually increase your performance. The Trail mode will have you ripping up level singletrack 21.576% faster, and you’ll be going up even the most technical of climbs 33.967% faster. The benefits of are higher in the Descend mode though as you’ll now find yourself at the bottom of a track 38.142% faster! The UCI have already taken the decision to ban the system from any form of competition, but amazingly it is not because of the advantage that it gives a rider, it is actually because a non-approved solder was used on one of the circuit boards. By the time the system is available to the public though that might not be an issue because hopefully the UCI will be a thing of the past in mountain biking.

The true flexibility of this system is unleashed by the Forward User Control Konsole (F.U.C.K.) which is seen above. This is where you can optimise each of the three main settings, and keep an eye on some vital ride analytics. Ivor felt that not even a Spinal Tap esque ’11′ was rad enough for this system so the dials on this go all the way up to 12! To fully understand the capabilities of the system Ivor reckons you’ll have to spend approximately two and a half weeks reading the manual, but he says the results are well worth it. The Sickness, Radness, and Pumpness dials all control different aspects of the ride, and then for those who want an unlimited ability to optimise you can insert any smart phone (Iphone, Android, or Windows) into the dedicated slot and tweak settings infinitely. The smart phone app also allows you to download the abilities of all the world’s top riders so if you want to be able to whip like Brendan, corner like Sam Hill, or scrub like Gwin all that is possible with just the click of a few buttons.

The final part of the F.U.C.K. is dials which allow you to instantly see the two most important ride statistics at a glance. The first is a Velocity Boost which shows you how much faster you are going that you would be if you didn’t have the system installed, and the second is the Vag Pulling Power (VPP) dial which simply lets you know just how much you are currently impressing members of the opposite sex. Female riders (and for that matter those of a different sexual orientation) will be pleased to hear that Ivor has also managed to develop a separate version with a Sausage Pulling Power dial.

Obviously this system needs some kind of power supply, and this is taken care of via a remote battery pack. Ivor was keen to make sure that the weight of the bike was increased as little as possible and so this battery is designed to either be towed in a trailer or carried in a back pack. And, if you’re wondering why the whole system uses quite so much cable it is because the computing power is so fast that Ivor has actually had to slow down the transfer of information by using longer cables. If he were to fit shorter ones it would be reacting to things that hadn’t even happened yet.

So there you have it, the revolutionary STD suspension. Exact pricing is still to be confirmed as it won’t be available to buy until at least 2014 (when it will be labelled asa 2016 product) but Ivor reckons that given the performance capabilities it will be competitive, and probably around the £6000 mark. The best news for you guys though is that one very lucky person will get to win this system (minus the battery sadly). All you have to do is tell us why you reckon you deserve this incredible system in the comments below.

So what do you reckon it? Are you already thinking about selling your kidneys?

  1. Mark

    Has april come early? What the bloody hell is this all about?!

  2. Wbubwubwubwub I'm dubstep wubwubwub

    I prefer Transitions C.O.C.K and B.A.L.L.S technology.

  3. mr_p

    its a piss take at fox suspension. Dirt are not fans of fox suspension any any bike in he mag that comes with it as stanard they automatically slag it off and suggest changing to rockshox utter bollox

    1. Angle-'O'-Saxon

      Sorry, but when have they ever said that then? Someone’s bitter aren’t they? Bit of a fox fanboy? Can’t you take the truth that Fox is a load of overexpensive hyped up tosh that doesn’t perform anywhere near the price asked and requires servicing everytime you so much as sneeze near it. Oh dear, someone’s gunna cry now aren’t they…

      1. Mark

        Oh dear.

    2. Eoin

      Most of the joke is about “rockshox e.i.” system so your point doesnt make much sense.

  4. Rufus Preiss

    I love you guys!
    This is so much better than that other design!

  5. Joe

    I’m going to wait for the Kashmir version to come out next year.

    1. Matt

      *Kashima…

      1. Alex

        *cashew

      2. Eoin

        Cashmore?
        Cashwastedhere?

    2. Michael Kennedy

      Cashmere

      1. Doug

        Whole lotta love?

  6. willysnow

    What the hell would I need all that for when I’ve got a comment box I can whine into? Jees, mountain biking isn’t about riding bikes, its about bitching like a four year old anonymously

  7. Eoin

    Forward User Control Konsole! haha Kudos to you on that one.. nicely done!

  8. My X

    Another load of shite from the dirt crew. Matches the standard of the last couple of mags.

    1. the big city wanker

      i agree with all those that are saying dirt has gone down hill. I for one have switched to MBUK for all my riding needs, the quality of writing in it is far above that of any one else, even my 2 year old niece understands what they say, The way that they print only the worst photographs is so refreshing. As for their reviews who wouldn’t want a 12 page review on a coat. This STD is a joke and i hope the industy follows the UCI’s lead and bans it for ever.

      DISCLAIMER: LIKE THE ABOVE ARTICLE THIS IS A JOKE, PLEASE REMOVE YOUR HEAD FROM OUT YOUR ARSE AND LIGHTEN UP.

      1. WAKi

        Big City Wanker – I speak to you with the face serious to the level that can only be achieved by joining the House of Lords, or holding a fart for three days. Stop that depravation! You you Rockshox vivid Dildo fanboy!

      2. Big City Banker

        Why have you plagerised my name you oik? And also, we will have none of that humour business here, this is a serious debate about the technology the rich, stupid and gullible will rush out and buy in the mistaken belief they need it. I’m ordering mine now. You will hurt inside so bad when you see my 10grand bike propped up in the trailcentre carpark against my cayenne. Not to be ridden mind you. Just to pose and say ‘look at me, I’m a stupid gullible rich twat’. Then I’ll chuck the bike in the back and go home. No need for riding when you’ve made such a statement as that, those present will be in total awe at my apparent massive personal wealth.

      3. WAKi

        Bankery gobshyte, thy shall not see a single penny by taking a fee from intereset on my mortgage. And one foolish Banker, you are indeed. Why thee not capitalize on offering bicycle loans? Does your master know about it? How you just blew a business oportunity that could open the arse of his master?

        XX1 – you just took mortgage and the dream of owning the latest drivetrain befroe Christmas fades away? – see what we can do for you. FuEc & PeWhoGuatS* loans – a smarter choice, by those who care for you and your family, Merry Christmas

        *fuck economy and people who give us all their savings

  9. Iain

    They really will publish any old tripe these days won’t they. I remember when dirt was cool :(

  10. Ben

    Absolutely brilliant. Just had to reign in the laughter while sat in the office. Taken some of the major talking points of the year and royally ripped the piss. Strong work boyos!

  11. IbisMojoHDamon

    I have to agree with My X and Iain…. This maybe a stab at humour from Dirt, but a waste of time, focus and just a crock of shite!… Someone allowed that Twat from MBUK with the freaky hair cuts / colours in to be editor for the day?…

  12. Jon

    Well, it made me laugh. It is nearly Christmas people; some scrooges need to lighten up.

    1. Ed

      Yeah, some people obviously take life way too seriously. It’s just a bit of fun.

      1. Matt

        I just want to know which one of you has the STD?

    2. Hank Stamper

      This article was brilliant. Anyone whining about it should go back to reading Mountain Bike Action for a steady I.V. drip of industry c*** sucking bull****. Great write up. CTD deserved it. Thanks for being the ones to say it. Dirt cred goes up another few notches over this one.

      1. Rodney

        Agree

  13. Hancock

    Ed, what have you been smoking?!
    Also, can I have some?

  14. Mr Tail

    Glad they didn´t do internal cable routing. But i think there is clearly a need for some intermediate preset settings. At least for the US market. All this work for just one control panel+ three knobs. Jeez.
    MTB Suspension is not as simple as you might think. It´s not a simple Mars rover, it´s a pedal-powered bike.

  15. Ben

    Hahaha, this is fantastic!

    What’s not so fantastic are some these comments and peoples serious lack of humour, christ sake, lighten up

  16. Big City Banker

    I deserve this because I’m one of those middle aged-midlife crisis, recently divorced, slightly tubby, porsche driving, disposable income, city banker types you see riding amazing bikes with absolutely no skill or style whatsoever. You know what I mean, you can see guys like me all the time, especially at trailcentres. I have just started mountainbiking 3 weeks ago in an effort to keep fit and to try and stay young and to use as yet another material status symbol. My current and first mountainbike since my start 3weeks ago is a carbon yeti, full fox kashima, sramm xx, carbon wheels and top of the range everything. However, I’m starting to get bored with my new ‘hobby’ as I’ve realised you can’t just walk into a bike shop and buy the skills to rip on one just by buying the most expensive kit. So I need this to relight my passing interest in mountainbikes, to give me the riding skill I’ve never had and never will get through hard work because I only ride my bike for 20 mins a week max down to the pub or in hyde park and because you can’t actually buy this yet so it doesnt matter what the size of my bank account is. I can’t wait for another year because by then another midlife crisis fad will have taken hold of me, I have to have this now. This product was made for me. Hurry up and send it to me or I’ll buy a jetski, or a stunt kite, or a susiciously young thai bride…

    1. Ed

      Pretty sure I saw you at Afan/Glentress/Dalby/etc the other week! Anyhow, you drive a Porsche Cayenne don’t you? Or was it a BMW X5?

      1. Big City Banker

        You probably did see me, I always have imacculately clean and new Alpinestars or Fox clothing and I spend quite a bit more time in the car park posing with my kit and looking the part than I do actually riding. Although for some reason, I’m always on my own, not quite sure why, maybe real riders who have ridden for years are jealous or something, I’m not quite sure? And yes, I own a Cayenne and an X5, amoungst others.

  17. Steve Bell

    Chain’s a bit long, ay?

  18. Big Al

    I’m guessing there is a back pack for the battery? Glad they didn’t go over the top and fit it to a 29′er.

  19. ddmonkey

    The stem is a bit too long too… I can’t see it working personally, but I won’t knock it until I have tried it :)

  20. john

    looks like a trek ;)

  21. SX 2

    Funny stuff!

  22. Daniel

    slow day at the office guys?

  23. WAKi

    Mr Dirt ED… please picture yourself in the movie “Secret Window” as Johny Depp opening the door, and picture John Torturro as me…

    YOU STOLE MY STORY!

    1. Ed

      How did I steal your story?

      1. WAKi

        I don’t care what you think – you stole my story, I started writing things… I even made a sketch – I wanted to post it on Pinkbike, make people laugh, I wanted more followers… eee to get more power, to bring it all down. And now it’s all ruined! Time to build fame from scratch again…

  24. Liam

    hahahaha, this is WELL GOOD

  25. Fishybob

    Hey guys, CRC is already doing a 78% off at the moment + an extra £20 off and a free jelly baby, i’m gonna buy 2 for each bike

  26. PaucH

    somebody’s just sick & tired of all the acronyms and complexity that MtBike marketing has brought us… hahahaha cheers…

    STD = spreads like like melted buttery smoothness…

  27. g-manndem

    i shuld win cause i neeed dat vPP and cus my bckpack iz too lght an on PINKBIKE i get abose fr havin a old bike tat isn sick or rrrad enoguh. also, i nned to scru b lik semenk. also i wan to F.U.c.K and get STD, evn tho its a Dvo rippoff

    1. Big City Banker

      You shouldn’t be allowed to mountainbike because you are poor and illiterate. Mountainbiking should only be for the rich flashy showoff people like me , who can rush out and buy all the latest hyped products, even though we have no skill compared to you oiks who ride so good on bikes so shite. Mountainbiking is all about one upmanship and whose got the best kit. Well that’s what I think and all I ever see out in the trail centre carparks anyway. It should only be for rich snobs like me and the spoilt little brattish offspring we produce, who always seem to have 3 grand plus DH rigs by the time they are 12 and never bother with those rubbbishy old fashioned hardtails, which yes, do make you a better rider in the long term, but aren’t as expensive or desirable as those DH rigs which flatter poor skill and bad riding technique. I’m off to put my freshly Ironed race kit on that has never seen mud, load the bike into the X5, and go and sit in a trailcentre carpark now, so everyone can see that I’m rich and obnoxious, but can’t ride for a toffee.

      1. WAKi

        “You shouldn’t be allowed to mountainbike because you are poor and illiterate” buahaha oh that made my day… you cracked me up totaly hih, from arse to mouth but along the back… OMG…

      2. dandruff ad exec

        Im not buying any of these until they do a proper ad campaign with semi nude girls and stuff. This gear has no street cred at all

  28. Andy Nelson

    Hahahahahahaha!!! Genius!

  29. Will

    If I win, you guys will have to tell my misses, she’s not going to be happy if I tell her I got a STD from someone on the internet

  30. Alanpods

    Nice one Dirt, that had me pissing myself… :-D Onza Octopus tyres anyone ;-)

  31. Ronin

    There was a time where I feared STDs and free clinics. How times have changed…You DIRTy skanks

  32. Amando filipe

    What kind of prices are we looking at for this?

  33. Goon

    Can Billy start posting again…

  34. Big Bird

    Do the knobs work the other way? I’m just so bad assed that I need this to tone it down a bit.

  35. skud

    “Ivor Hugh Jardon” …lol!

  36. Pepe

    Perfect. I was waiting for a light, un-cluttered system like this to come along.

  37. Dominic Haigh

    Best thing dirt have done in a long time.

  38. Ali

    Come on people, lighten up! It’s not April the first, but it is nearly Christmas, and if any more cables go on my bike, it’ll look like this!

  39. woodrat

    Nice work :)

  40. battlestag

    I’ve actually got CTD shock and forks on a new orange 5. Ok forget it on the forks but works a treat on the shock. I understand this is a piss take but its obviously got meaning!

    1. Ed

      I think this post has been a bit misunderstood by some people. Firstly it is meant to be a bit of festive fun, but secondly I did also want to take the piss a bit out of the way some parts of the industry seem to be heading. I should point out now though that this post isn’t just aimed at Fox, or their CTD system. The STD thing simply came about cos Billy dug this stuff out of a skip and the three buttons leant themselves perfectly to that.
      So what is it taking the piss out of? Well, personally I just wish the industry would stop being so concerned about adding bells and whistles to everything, and instead just concentrate on making products that work really well and are reliable. I’m not just talking about suspension either, but that does seem to be the biggest breeding ground for bells and whistles. We’ve had suspension on our bikes for years, but yet in many cases I really don’t think we’ve progressed that far in terms of reliability, and to most riders I think that’s up there as a top priority. If we had performance and reliability totally dialled then fair enough, lets maybe think about some useful bells and whistles, but until we get to that point lets keep working towards it.
      I think the problem lies in the fact that many manufacturers think they have to add some new doobery whatsit each year in order to sell new products. Is that what we really want? Maybe some of us do, and maybe a company saying that their product is just the same for the next model year apart from a few invisible internal tweaks that make it more reliable and work a little better isn’t quite enough to persuade people to part with their cash?
      What I do know though is that if I was to go out now and buy some suspension for my bike it would be from either BOS or Cane Creek. Their products perform better than anything else that I have used, and they’ve also proved to be the most reliable. What you’ll also notice with these companies is that they often sell what appears to be the same product for several years in a row, without ever shouting about some new bell or whistle. You might think that means the product has never changed, but actually they have. These products have been subtly tweaked over the years to provide better performance and reliability, and that’s what I think we need more of in the industry as a whole.
      Let’s get the basics right and then think about bells and whistles…actually do we really need them at all? Give me a frame with a great suspension design, couple it with a great shock, set it up properly, and then I never even feel the need to touch it, whether I am going uphill or downhill.

      1. Freddy

        Basically you are saying, we are too stupid to understand anything other than a basic shock. Nice.

        Freddy, for some reason it won’t let me reply to your comment so I’ll add it in here…I certainly wasn’t saying that, and the fact that I said I’d buy a Cane Creek (Double Barrel) is testament to that. Not a simple shock to set up by any means, arguably the most complicated, but the overall design is relatively simple and doesn’t feature any unnecessary fancy bits. Add in the fact that it’s well made and you’ve got an amazing product that’s also incredibly reliable.

        ed

      2. Tim

        Love this comment, unfortunately this is not just the bike industry… it happens everywhere… we are now in a throw away society content with only whizz bang widget… (I am still on an iPhone 3 BTW)

        Seriously though, right now I would love to have a bike that didn’t break every week, defo not interested in having a 29′er let alone a 27.5′er gimme a set of wheels that are bullet proof and not require me to spend 6 months hunting for a spare spoke…

        Gimme a fork/shock set up that doesn’t require me to service it every 6 hours of use (a typical day of riding)

        Gimme a bottom bracket fixing that doesn’t move every 3rd ride (I fecking hate PF30)

        Gimme a chain/cassette/derailleur/chainset combination that gives me choice of the stuff to buy/upgrade rather than chase yet another gear (I am old enough to remember when 8 speed cassettes were the in thing!)

        Gimme a frame I can purchase that genuinely will NOT break… (currently I google “framemake broken” before ever reading the marketing BS)

        Great article… despite the rants it has inadvertantly spawned :)

      3. Eoin

        I have given up on the frame broken googling. Now I just look at the warranty they give, if it’s 5 years then I assume they will replace it in 1 year when it breaks… Anything under 5 years isnt worth the risk.

      4. lee

        couldnt agree more it does seem like a lottery when you buy mtb components,most products are over complicated and it seems that when buying you take a risk of getting a good one or getting a duff one

      5. Battlestag

        “What I do know though is that if I was to go out now and buy some suspension for my bike it would be from either BOS or Cane Creek”
        You mean when you’re fitting the free suspension the magazine gets you only fit BOS or cane creek. Funny how the dirt 100 contains fox and rockshox products that we “must have!”

  41. PedOakley

    Ivor Hugh Jardon must be an alien or sutin. Coming up with that must take extraterrestrial vision

  42. Jan

    LOL! Awesome article!

  43. Peter

    Cannot believe how many people didn’t get this, it’s not meant to be taken seriously even as a joke, the funny thing is it’s stupid but a bit clever. Fucking retards in the comments ruined the good mood this put me in, probably non-british or some other sub-ordinate category of human.

  44. Jimmy Joe, Owner of Dirt Mag

    Sorry gents, had a slight misprint. The free S.T.D. system will actually be given to the winner of our once only Crapstone England mud wrestling championship of the world, but only if he can then guess what color a pig playing a banjo walking by castle Dracula on a Tuesday is thinking of. Good luck mates, you’re gonna need it!

  45. Dave

    hahahahhaha best thing I’ve seen in ages. Vag Pulling Power had my sniggering at my desk like a schoolchild

  46. DrippyHippy

    ah, but does it make the tea?

    1. Rodney

      This is a fantastic piss take! Loved it.

  47. Scott

    Wow I want one. I deserve it because I have jumped onto every bandwagon that has rolled into the mountain bike world for the last ten years. I have never bothered to go out and try to progress my skills through time on the bike and prefer to buy my skills through more and more expensive bicycles and accessories. I have bought each and every wheel size and quick release standard/headset standard and bb combo that I have been able to in a never ending quest to be a better cyclist. I deserve to be givin the free one by Dirt magazine as it would be the first time that I have actually got something new before all my friends did and can for once lead the way in being a better bicycle rider through technology. Oh please please everyone let me have the free one. Hey if I can’t have the free one do you think you cold send me one to test for a day that would be cool. I could go out and buy a new bike to attach it to if I the one I have doesn’t have the correct standard features I should have to mount it.

  48. Jay

    Wow, some people can’t take a joke! I thought dirt and its readers were meant to be ‘cool’. just the same as everyone else, hide on the Internet and slag everyone and everything off!

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